Breaking Free from the Comfort of Victimhood
Just because it feels safer, doesn't mean it's better
I just started watching Yellowstone for the first time, and the character Beth sparked something within me. I saw pieces of my old self in her.
If you haven’t seen it, Beth is the fiery, unapologetically hurt sister who carries her trauma like armor. She lashes out to protect herself, feels she has to be strong and unemotional. She believes she’s the one who can endure the world’s cruelty. She uses her pain as both a shield and a weapon.
For a moment, I found myself empathizing with her so deeply that I almost missed that version of me. The one who stayed in her hurt, who found solace in blaming the world for her pain, and who felt justified in holding on to her anger.
Watching her brought me back to a version of myself I thought I’d left behind, and it got me thinking about the trap of victim mentality.
Because the thing about victim mentality is it’s a trap that feels safe. And it’s addicting.
Have you ever found yourself looking back at an old version of yourself with a strange sense of nostalgia, even if that version was stuck in pain and struggle?
Our brains love to pick comfort over growth, even when that comfort is actually destroying us. Victim mentality is like your brain's favorite safety blanket. When you can say "this isn't my fault," your brain gets to skip the hard work of actually changing anything.
The body, too, becomes addicted to the stress hormones—the cortisol and adrenaline that flood your system every time you replay that painful story or hold onto that anger. Over time, this stress response becomes your normal. Your baseline. Your default setting.
So even though staying in victim mode is slowly killing your spirit, it feels like home. Undoing it feels foreign, even threatening, because stepping out of victimhood means taking responsibility. It means admitting that while we might not have caused our pain, we are responsible for healing it.
I was feeling so much empathy watching Beth, I could feel how she felt so undeserving of love. There’s a moment when Rip tells her he loves her, and she breaks down. I know that feeling of rejecting love because deep down you don’t think you deserve it. That moment captures something so real, how we can be so starved for love yet completely terrified of accepting it when it shows up.
There's a special kind of heartache in watching someone fight against the very thing they need most, especially when you've lived in those same shoes. When you've felt that same instinct to run from love because accepting it means challenging every story you've told yourself about not being worthy of it.
But here's what I've learned from the other side. The love we're so desperately seeking—or any feeling for that matter that we are desiring to get from the outside—is impossible. It has to start with us. It has to start internally first. We have to give ourselves the very thing we are desiring to get from others.
When I was stuck in that victim story, I had love all around me. People who cared, supported, and showed up for me in ways I didn’t even recognize at the time. But my brain was still running old programming, convincing me I was unloved and unworthy. It didn’t matter how many people tried to pour love into me—I couldn’t receive it.
I was living in an emotional time capsule, stuck in past pain, letting old neural pathways run the show. And what I have learned with actual proof is that you cannot receive anything you don’t give to yourself first.
If your capacity to hold love is only at 10%, that’s all you can accept from the world around you. Even if someone offers you 100% of their love, it will feel overwhelming, foreign, or even suspicious. Your subconscious will filter it down to match what you believe you deserve. And this works with everything, replace love and fill in the blank of any feeling you desire (feeling valued, understood, accepted, etc).
It’s like trying to fill a cup that has a lid on it. No matter how much love is poured in, it can’t get through until you remove the lid. And that lid is your own self-worth, your own belief in your deservingness.
At that time, I wasn’t just rejecting love from others—I was rejecting love from myself. I didn’t give myself compassion, grace, or kindness, so I couldn’t recognize it when others tried to give it to me. My capacity to hold love was so limited because I hadn’t done the work to expand it.
When you’re stuck in that victim story, it’s easy to feel like others aren’t showing up for you in the way you want or need.
A hard truth most people don’t want to hear is that what we feel is missing from others is a reflection of what we’re not giving to ourselves.
One way to recognize this within yourself is to take a partner, friend, family member, or coworker and ask yourself: What is it that I just wish they did more of?
Do you wish they were more supportive? More loving? More understanding? Do you find yourself longing for more validation, kindness, or attention from them?
Now, take a moment and ask yourself honestly: Am I giving that to myself?
If you wish someone would validate you more, are you validating yourself? Are you acknowledging your own wins, your own worth, and your own feelings? If you want more love or kindness, are you treating yourself with love and kindness?
Don’t limit your reflection to just one area of life. For instance, if you feel your partner isn’t acknowledging all that you do, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re failing to acknowledge your contributions in the relationship. Instead, it might be reflecting how you’re not recognizing your efforts in other areas—like at work, within your family, or socially with your friends.
These are the 8 areas of life to consider ⬇️
This exercise can be incredibly eye-opening because it shifts the focus from what others aren’t doing to what you might not be giving yourself. It’s not about blaming yourself. It’s about empowering yourself to recognize that you have the ability to fill those gaps.
This is why self-love isn’t just a feel-good concept; it’s a prerequisite for receiving love in any form. The love you give to yourself sets the standard for what you can accept from the world. When you treat yourself with care, respect, and kindness, you create space to hold more.
The work of breaking free from victimhood isn’t just about letting go of blame or rewriting your story. It’s about expanding your capacity to love and be loved. It’s about opening yourself up to the abundance that’s already around you but has felt unreachable because you didn’t believe you deserved it.
When you take radical responsibility for your life and start showing yourself love—even in small ways—you begin to remove that lid. You create room for more. More love, more joy, more connection. And as your capacity grows, so does your ability to receive all the good that’s been waiting for you all along.
Your brain doesn’t distinguish between past and present when it comes to emotional pain. When you experience something painful, your brain forms neural pathways to process and remember it. If that pain is repeated or left unresolved, those pathways become stronger and more ingrained, like a well-worn trail in the forest.
The emotional intensity of the experience acts like glue, keeping it stuck in your system. As these pathways keep firing, your body reacts as though you’re still in that moment of not feeling good enough. Over time, this repeated stress response can create a physical addiction to the chemicals released during those moments, reinforcing the story of unworthiness and keeping you stuck in the cycle.
The wild thing is, your body holds onto these emotions even when your logical brain "forgets" them. This happens because emotional memories are stored not just in your brain but in your body’s cellular memory. Your body remembers what the brain pretends to forget.
So, even if you have all the love in the world surrounding you, those unprocessed emotions and deeply ingrained neural pathways act like a filter. If you haven’t rewired those pathways or released the stored emotional pain, your system will interpret love as a threat and instinctively reject it.
Rejection isn’t the only way this void might show up. Sometimes, you might not even recognize the love that’s already around you, as if it’s invisible. Other times, you might long for love so intensely that it feels just out of reach, even when it’s right in front of you. Or, you may find yourself driven by an endless need to prove your worth, constantly seeking external validation to fill the emptiness within.
These patterns often originate from early experiences where love felt conditional or unavailable. Over time, the mind learns to equate love with struggle or scarcity, creating a cycle where love feels hard to receive, no matter how much of it is present. Breaking free requires rewiring these beliefs and learning to give yourself the unconditional love you’ve been seeking all along.
Victim mentality is just another way this void manifests. Like an alcoholic needs their next drink, we can become addicted to blaming, complaining, and staying stuck. It feels safer to point fingers than to confront our own power because acknowledging our power means accepting the responsibility for our healing—a responsibility that can feel overwhelming.
When you stay in victim mode, you’re not just reinforcing old patterns; you’re creating a barrier that keeps love and connection at a distance. It’s a subconscious attempt to protect yourself from the vulnerability that healing requires.
But this self-protection comes at a cost. It keeps you trapped in the very pain you’re trying to avoid. Healing asks you to step into discomfort, to face the raw truth of your wounds, and to take ownership of your journey. Only then can you break free from the cycle and create space for the love and connection you truly deserve.
I had to learn to truly love myself….not in a surface-level, self-help kind of way, but in a real, deep, and raw way. I had to put my needs first and go through the process of healing, of understanding myself fully. I had to reconnect with the version of me that came into this world a perfect being—before the stories, the labels, and the pain were placed onto me. I needed to undo all the conditioning that made me feel anything less than whole.
It was about loving every part of me—the messy, the raw, the imperfect—as much as the clean, together, and pristine parts. It was about recognizing that I was built for a purpose, perfectly designed for this life. And then, I had to start rewriting the story I had been telling myself. Because at the end of the day, the most important thing is how I feel about myself and how I treat myself. That is what gets reflected back in every area of my life.
You save yourself. Not the job. Not the partner. Not the child. Yes, those things might help you realize something you’ve been missing, but the power has always been within you. You are the one who heals you. You are the one who redefines your story. And when you step into that power, everything changes.
Stepping out of victimhood and into a growth mindset is the most empowering choice you can make.
When you take radical responsibility for your life, you’re saying:
Yes, I’ve been hurt, but I won’t let that define me.
Yes, I’ve made mistakes, but I’m capable of learning and growing.
Yes, I’m the problem, but that also means I’m the solution.
This shift is hard. It requires rewiring your brain, calming your nervous system, and choosing every day to let go of the familiar pain.
It’s not about dismissing what you’ve been through, it’s about deciding that your past doesn’t get to control your future.
When you embrace this mindset, you realize you have the power to change your life in ways you never thought possible. You’re no longer waiting for someone or something to fix things. You’re no longer bound by your past or your pain.
Instead, you’re in the driver’s seat.
You can rewrite your story.
You can heal your wounds.
You can create a life you love.
Choosing every day to show up for yourself. To let go of that comfort. To take radical responsibility for your life. That is the harder choice. But it’s the one that will set you free.
It’s an unwavering commitment to yourself. When you do that, the universe, the people, the situations—everything—will start reflecting back that you come first, that you’re the priority. And that royal treatment we all crave…. it will start to show up when you realize you’re the missing piece. When you give it to yourself first, everything you’ve been chasing will find its way to you.
Beth reminded me of how far I’ve come and how easy it is to slip back into old patterns. But it also reminded me of the power of choice. Every day, we get to decide:
Do I stay in my hurt, or do I heal?
Do I blame, or do I take responsibility?
Do I hold onto the past, or do I step into my future?
This isn’t a one-time decision—it’s a choice you make every single day.
Some days, it’s easier to slip back into old patterns, to let the comfort of victimhood call you back. But every time you choose growth, you’re proving to yourself that you’re capable of more.
If you’ve been feeling stuck or noticing those old patterns creeping back in, I want you to know it’s normal. Growth isn’t linear, and sometimes we need reminders of why we started this journey in the first place.
You are not your past. You are not your pain. You are the choices you make today.
So if you’ve been feeling stuck, I want you to ask yourself:
Am I seeing myself as the problem and the solution?
Am I choosing growth, even when it’s hard?
Am I ready to take radical responsibility for my life?
Because when you do, you’ll discover a freedom, a strength, and a joy that you didn’t know was possible.
Here’s to showing up for yourself, even when it’s hard.
Make 2025 the year you start choosing yourself!
With love,
Stephanie