How Creating Expectations Around Outcomes Is Keeping You Stuck & Setting You Up for Disappointment
My Outcome Attachment Theory
Ever worn a “lucky” shirt on game day, convinced it helped your team win? Or taken a certain route to work, believing it somehow influences your day?
That’s illusory correlation which is your brain’s way of linking two unrelated things to create a false sense of control.
And coming from a recovering control freak (who is still actively unlearning this programming), I can tell you firsthand—this sneaky pattern shows up everywhere, and the ego hides it really well.
We do this constantly in business, relationships, and life without even realizing it.
“I posted once, and no one bought—this means I’ll never succeed.”
“I set a boundary, and they got upset—this means I shouldn’t have done it.”
“I took a risk, and it didn’t work—this means I should stop trying.”
I like to call it The Outcome Attachment.
It’s the act of tying a single event to an entire expectation, then using the result to confirm a belief that was never true to begin with.
It’s not just keeping you stuck, it’s causing unnecessary disappointment, frustration, and self-doubt by making you believe problems exist where they don’t.
It is the tendency to tie a single action to a massive expectation, creating a rigid path for success instead of allowing flow and possibility.
We attach expectations to an action—sometimes best-case scenario, sometimes worst-case scenario—without realizing that we’re narrowing possibilities and blocking success before it even unfolds.
What is Outcome Attachment?
Outcome attachment is when we over-attach meaning to a single action, expecting it to create a chain reaction that leads to our desired outcome.
It happens in two ways:
Positive Outcome Attachment
→ When we tie an action to an ideal fantasy and expect it to go exactly as planned.Negative Outcome Attachment
→ When we pre-load failure into an action, assuming the worst-case scenario will play out.
Both forms of outcome attachment narrow your focus too much and place all the pressure on one event happening a certain way.
Positive attachment sets you up for disappointment because reality rarely unfolds in a straight line.
Negative attachment paralyzes you with fear, stopping you from taking action altogether.
Either way, you end up feeling like a failure.
Positive Outcome Attachment
Most people unconsciously turn manifestation into a strict, if-this-then-that equation:
I will post on this platform → it will go viral → I will get followers → they will pay me → I will become a millionaire.
I will launch this app → Millions of users will download it → Investors will throw money at me → I will be the next Steve Jobs.
I will go on this date → We will have instant chemistry → They will be ‘The One’ → We will live happily ever after.
I will start this diet → I will immediately lose weight → I will feel amazing → I will love my body forever.
I will get this dream job → I will feel fulfilled every day → I will never stress about money again.
The problem is that reality doesn’t work in straight lines.
When we attach a huge expectation to a single action, we:
Narrow possibilities – Fixating on one outcome blocks the infinite ways success can actually show up.
Set ourselves up for disappointment – Since things rarely unfold exactly as imagined, we feel like we “failed” when we were just looking in the wrong place.
Operate from lack, not trust – The underlying energy becomes desperation: "If this doesn’t work, I won’t succeed." Instead of being open, we try to control.
The Psychology & Neuroscience Behind Outcome Attachment
Our brains are wired for certainty and control. It’s a survival mechanism. When faced with uncertainty, we instinctively try to predict the future to create a sense of control over what happens next. I know this all too well and am sure you have experienced this once, twice, or hundreds of times.
1. The Brain Hates Uncertainty & Fills in the Gaps
The prefrontal cortex (responsible for planning and decision-making) tries to predict outcomes based on past experiences.
When there’s a gap in information, the brain fills it in—but it does so based on pre-existing fears, biases, and beliefs.
If you fear failure, your brain will predict failure.
If you believe success has to happen a certain way, your brain will fixate on one rigid path and reject anything that doesn’t fit.
Uncertainty activates the same neural pathways as physical pain, which is why a lack of control feels so uncomfortable.
2. Why We Fantasize Success
The dopaminergic system (which controls motivation and reward) releases dopamine in anticipation of success, not just when success happens.
This is why we fantasize about a future where everything falls into place—it feels rewarding before it even happens.
But when reality doesn’t match the expectation, we experience a dopamine crash, which leads to disappointment, frustration, and loss of motivation.
3. The Negativity Bias & Worst-Case Thinking
The amygdala (the brain’s threat detection system) is wired to prioritize fear and overestimate danger.
If we attach a worst-case scenario to an action ("If I launch this, no one will buy, and I’ll fail"), we are trying to pre-protect ourselves from pain.
The brain believes that if we imagine failure before it happens, we can soften the blow or avoid it entirely.
This keeps us in a loop of hesitation, avoidance, and overthinking, making us less likely to take action at all.
4. The Control Illusion
The ego wants to believe that success (or failure) can be predicted and controlled.
Attaching to a specific outcome gives us the illusion of control—even though success often unfolds in unpredictable ways.
When things don’t go exactly as we planned, we feel like we “failed,” even if something better is happening outside our expectations.
What’s Really Happening?
Outcome attachment is a mental trap where we project an entire storyline onto a single action, expecting a perfect chain reaction instead of allowing life to unfold naturally. It’s not just taking the action. It’s mentally racing to the finish line before anything has even happened.
The issue is that we assign one rigid outcome to an action, we block ourselves from seeing all the other ways success could show up. Instead of staying open to possibilities, we fixate on a single path, missing opportunities that might be even better than what we originally imagined.
I challenge you right now:
Write down 60 ways you could make $10K today.
Most people struggle to even come up with 10 because their brain is locked onto a few predictable routes. This exercise forces you to break out of narrow thinking and realize there are infinite ways to create what you want… if you’re willing to see them.
And the kicker is this isn’t just about making money. It’s about breaking the illusion that success can only happen in one specific way.
We all know its never about the money, it’s about what the money represents.
Let’s say you received a $10K bonus from your job, or you found someone’s lost dog and they rewarded you with $10K. Would it feel the same?
Most people would say no because it’s not really about the money. It’s about what the money represents. Maybe you want the validation that your work is valued. Maybe you want freedom, security, or proof that your efforts are paying off.
And this is exactly why we attach to outcomes because there’s a deeper emotional meaning tied to them. But no external achievement, result, or amount of money can ever give you the feeling you think it will. Everything outside of us will only amplify how we already feel.
If you’ve been following my work, you already know this….the feelings have to come from within.
The Antidote:
Intentional Action Without Attachment.
The key is to take action because it aligns with who you are, not because you’re forcing an outcome.
Instead of:
"I’m posting because I need this to go viral."
"I’m launching this offer because it has to make me money."
Try:
"I’m posting because I’m building trust and value over time."
"I’m launching because I believe in my work, and the right people will find it."
It’s not about lowering your standards or giving up on success—it’s about releasing control over how it happens. The most effortless, unplanned moments often bring the biggest results.
Now ask yourself this: If tomorrow wasn’t guaranteed, how would you celebrate this action right now?
Would writing the post, expressing the thought, or putting yourself out there be enough?
Because it should be.
But instead, we obsess over how many likes, shares, or sales it brings—as if this one action determines our entire future.
But what if the win wasn’t in the result? What if the win was in the fact that you showed up, spoke your truth, took the risk, and moved forward?
That’s the real power—doing what aligns with you, without needing the world to validate it first.
Negative Outcome Attachment
Just like people attach fantasy-level expectations to a simple action, they also attach worst-case scenarios, creating unnecessary resistance, anxiety, or self-sabotage.
The same way people unconsciously believe one action will lead to guaranteed success, they also convince themselves that one action will cause everything to fall apart.
If I launch this app → No one will download it → Investors will reject me → My company will fail → I’ll lose everything.
This fear leads to hesitation, procrastination, or launching with half-energy, making failure more likely—not because the app wasn’t good, but because fear stopped you from iterating and improving.
If I open up to this person → They won’t like the real me → They’ll leave → I’ll be alone forever.
This mindset keeps you guarded, preventing real intimacy, which ironically creates the very disconnection you’re trying to avoid.
If I ask for a raise → My boss will think I’m greedy → They’ll fire me → I’ll never find another job.
Instead of advocating for yourself, you stay underpaid and undervalued—not because you don’t deserve more, but because fear kept you from asking.
This is pre-loading failure into the action. It’s the same mental process as dream-state illusion, just flipped in the opposite direction attaching an overblown disaster to a simple event that hasn’t even happened yet.
Releasing Outcome Attachment
Positive outcome attachment sets you up for disappointment—you take action, but because you’ve tied it to a massive expectation, anything less feels like failure. You’re not seeing the action for what it is; you’re seeing it as a means to an end, and when the result doesn’t instantly match your vision, you spiral.
Negative outcome attachment is the same mental trap, just flipped. Instead of attaching an unrealistic expectation of success, you attach a worst-case scenario. A single action triggers a chain reaction in your mind, leading straight to failure, rejection, or disaster. This fear keeps you stuck, convincing you that not acting is safer than taking the risk.
One requires you to prepare and plan—breaking down the beliefs that exist between the action and the negative outcome. The other requires you to zoom out and recognize that small actions compound over time. Instead of rushing to the finish line, you learn to trust that every step is part of the process.
For negative outcome attachment, you need to be okay with the worst-case scenario, not in a way that invites failure, but in a way that allows you to neutralize fear.
Instead of letting the fear dictate inaction, acknowledge it:
What is the worst-case scenario?
If it happened, how would you handle it?
What steps could you take now to prevent or mitigate it?
When you address the fear head-on, you remove its power. Instead of fear stopping you, it becomes something you can plan for and navigate, which gives you back control.
Take Michael Phelps, for example. He didn’t just visualize winning races, he visualized everything that could go wrong. He mentally rehearsed what he would do if his goggles filled with water, if he lost track of his pace, if he fell behind. And when his goggles did fill with water during the 2008 Olympics, he didn’t panic. He had already planned for it. He counted his strokes, stuck to his training, and still won gold.
This is the power of preparing for negative outcomes without attaching to them. Instead of fear being a stop sign, it becomes part of the strategy—something you acknowledge, plan for, and move through.
For positive outcome attachment, the key is twofold:
Rewiring your intention behind the action—taking action because it aligns with who you are, not because you’re fixated on a specific result.
Recognizing that success can unfold in countless ways—many of which might be easier, faster, or even better than what you originally envisioned.
Both forms of outcome attachment create unnecessary pressure by narrowing your focus to a single outcome.
With positive attachment, you place all your expectations on one action, setting yourself up for disappointment when things don’t unfold exactly as planned.
With negative attachment, you’re so fixated on failure that you either don’t take action at all or fail to prepare for all possible scenarios—ironically increasing the likelihood of your worst fears coming true.
Instead of letting fear stop you, face it. Think of Murphy’s Law: everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. But when you prepare for it, it loses its power. You’ve already accounted for the challenges, so they no longer catch you off guard or hold you back.
The real shift happens when you stop playing tug-of-war with the outcome and start focusing on the process.
Instead of clinging to a single result, you build the confidence to navigate whatever unfolds. Instead of fearing failure, you strengthen your ability to adapt. Instead of relying on external validation, you trust that your actions are enough.
When you detach from rigid expectations—whether overly positive or fear-based—you don’t just increase your chances of success. You become the type of person who keeps going, keeps evolving, and keeps creating opportunities no matter what. That’s real power.
How to Rewire the Brain & Let Go of Outcome Attachment
If outcome attachment is a mix of dopamine addiction, fear-based protection, and the illusion of control, how do we break free?
1. Reframe Uncertainty as Opportunity
Instead of fearing the unknown, train your brain to associate uncertainty with potential.
Instead of "I don’t know if this will work," shift to "I don’t know exactly how this will unfold, but I’m open to it surprising me."
This weakens the amygdala’s fear response and strengthens cognitive flexibility.
2. Shift from Dopamine-Driven Expectation to Process-Driven Action
Replace fantasy outcome thinking with intrinsic motivation.
Instead of attaching to results, shift to enjoying the process itself.
The more you focus on small wins and daily progress, the more sustainable your dopamine system becomes and you reduce the crash of unmet expectations.
You need to see how every action is making you money, how you are already doing more than enough.
3. Regulate Your Nervous System to Reduce Fear-Based Projection
Practice breathwork, meditation, or somatic grounding to calm the amygdala’s fear response.
Before taking action, take three deep breaths and remind yourself: “I am safe, I don’t need to control everything, I trust the process.”
Then, restate your intention ahead of the action to align your emotions with your new open, desired outcome.
4. Embrace Open-Ended Possibility
When taking action, affirm:
"I am open to receiving success in ways I can’t predict yet."
"Every action I take expands my opportunities, even if I can’t see it yet."
This helps rewire the brain’s need for rigid control and opens up more possibilities.
Your Job is the Action, Not the Outcome
People always say, “Just let go.” But let go of what, exactly? No one actually explains that part.
What you need to let go of is your attachment to an outcome. The rigid expectation that things must unfold in one specific way, on one specific timeline.
Here’s why that keeps you stuck:
We overestimate how good we think we are at predicting the future.
We are terrible at estimating time, thinking success should happen faster than it does.
We believe that if we acknowledge our fears, they’ll manifest—but the truth is, the subconscious is already holding onto them, and ignoring them doesn’t make them go away.
This is why “just let go” advice does nothing if you don’t understand what’s actually keeping you attached. You have to release the illusion of control, not the action itself.
When you detach from the outcome and focus on the process, you:
Move from fear-driven to aligned action
Open yourself to unexpected opportunities
Reduce anxiety & disappointment
Strengthen self-trust & resilience
Success doesn’t happen because you forced an outcome. It happens because you stayed open, took action, and allowed for infinite possibilities.
Next time you catch yourself attaching a massive expectation or fear to a single action, ask yourself:
"What if this is just one step, not the whole story?"
Because the truth? The things that change your life the most are usually the things you never saw coming.
With Love & Gratitude,
Stephanie