Why Rigid Goals Don’t Work—and What to Do Instead
How to Align Your Actions with Who You Want to Become
I’ve been asked a few times this week how I think about goal-setting, so I figured it was time to share my full perspective.
I know, everyone lovessss goals. And don’t get me wrong—I’m not here to tell you to toss them out entirely. But what if we started thinking about goals differently?
I see most goals like rigid actions we “have” to take rather than an inspiring vision of who we want to become. They often feel like a chore, something we’re forcing ourselves to do to fix something we think is broken about us.
For example, let’s say you set a goal to lose weight. The action might be, “I’ll run every day.” Sounds simple enough, right?
But studies show that nearly 80% of people give up on their New Year’s resolutions by February. More broadly, research shows that 92% of people fail to achieve their goals.
Why?
From my perspective, it’s because these goals are often created from a place of imbalance or negativity.
If the intention behind your goal is, “I hate my body, so I’m going to run every day to fix it,” or “my doctor said I need to lose weight,” you’re starting from a place of lack and self-criticism. You’re beginning from a place of what someone else thinks you need to do, rather than what you truly desire to do.
That’s not exactly a recipe for long-term success or fulfillment. And when the goal feels unattainable—or when life inevitably gets in the way—it’s easy to give up.
This is because we cannot HATE our way to achievement.
Now, let’s look at a business or financial goal. Maybe your goal is to hit a specific revenue target. The underlying thought might be, “I’ll finally feel successful when I make this amount of money” or “my investors will get off my back when I hit this number.”
Again, this is coming from a place of lack—believing that success or validation is something you need to earn, rather than recognizing that you are already worthy of success and fulfillment. When we tie our self-worth to a number, we risk getting caught in a cycle of always needing more to feel "enough."
It’s a vicious cycle: you make more, you spend more, and then you need to make even more to keep up. It never ends.
The pressure to perform, combined with the belief that your happiness is on the other side of that number, creates a cycle of stress, burnout, and disappointment if you don’t hit it.
We’re conditioned to believe that external achievements will fill the emotional gaps we feel right now—that success, a perfect body, or a bigger bank account will make us worthy, happy, or enough.
It’s like saying, “Because my business isn’t thriving, I must be failing as a person,” or “Because I’m overweight, I’m less than.” This narrative reinforces the idea that who we are in this moment isn’t enough, and that our value is tied to what we accomplish or how we look. When we inevitably fall short of these impossible standards, it becomes a spiral of self-blame, inadequacy, and the belief that we’re fundamentally flawed.
And even if you do hit the goal, the satisfaction is often fleeting and you are quickly onto the next goal. It becomes a never-ending cycle of “I’ll be happy when…” that keeps you stuck in a state of striving, rather than truly appreciating or feeling content with where you are right now.
Side note: read my daily accomplishments post with my “daily pulse” tool to combat this.
This happens because the goal wasn’t rooted in a bigger vision of who you want to become or what truly matters to you. It was about proving something to someone else or filling an internal void.
There’s actual neuroscience behind why this happens.
When we set a goal, our brain gets a dopamine hit just from imagining the success. It feels good at first, like a mini-celebration of what’s to come.
But if progress slows or we hit a setback, those dopamine levels drop. And that drop doesn’t just feel disappointing; it can make us feel like we’ve failed.
The problem gets even worse when we attach our self-worth to achieving the goal. Suddenly, that dip in dopamine isn’t just about the goal—it feels personal. It’s like proof we’re not good enough, even though that’s not true at all.
And if you do achieve the goal, the brain’s negativity bias makes it even harder to celebrate small wins or acknowledge how far we’ve come. Instead, we keep chasing the next external goal, thinking it will finally make us feel good enough, but it rarely does.
There’s also a fascinating psychological phenomenon at play here, one that I am very familiar with.
Humans tend to overestimate their abilities when setting goals.
I like to joke that my toxic trait is not just thinking I can do anything, but that I’ll naturally excel at it. 🙈 I’ll watch a girl absolutely crush a dance performance and instantly think, “Easy, I can do that.” Or I’ll see people on Yellowstone riding horses and herding cattle, and without missing a beat, I’m like, “Of course I’d crush that too.”
There is actually a name for this…. It’s called the planning fallacy. Where we think we’ll be better, faster, or more consistent than we actually are. We overcommit, believing we can handle more than we realistically can.
Think about a time when you had to create a presentation for an important client meeting. Maybe you estimated it would take 4 hours because you’ve done similar presentations before.
But as you got into it, you realized you needed more data than you thought, had to coordinate with team members for input, and ended up revising the slides multiple times to meet your manager’s feedback. Suddenly, the task stretched to 8 hours.
That’s the planning fallacy at work—when we underestimate the time, effort, or challenges something will require, even when we’ve been through it before.
At first, the optimism of setting a goal feels empowering. But when reality hits and we miss a workout, fall short of a revenue target, or don’t meet a deadline, it can backfire. Instead of seeing these moments as part of the learning process, we tend to label ourselves as failures.
Our brains, especially when tied to external goals, are quick to equate any misstep with personal failure.
It’s the same cycle: we begin with excitement and possibility, but when things don’t go as planned, we spiral into self-doubt and disappointment.
The key is to shift that narrative—stop seeing challenges as roadblocks and start seeing them as opportunities to grow. Growth is rarely linear, and every setback is simply a lesson in disguise.
For example, think about when an employee who’s crucial to your company quits. The first instinct might be panic: "What do we do now? I’ll be overworked, we’ll never figure this out."
But instead of letting fear take over, we should be asking: What is this showing me? How could this actually be the best thing that’s ever happened to me?
The brain also reacts to failure as a threat. It activates the fight-or-flight response, which can lead to even more self-criticism, avoidance, or even giving up entirely. It’s like our brain is trying to protect us from feeling that sting again.
This is where most traditional goal-setting falls short. It focuses on rigid actions and external outcomes, but it rarely addresses the deeper why or the person you’re becoming in the process.
So how do we shift this?
Instead of rigid, externally-driven goals, what if we focused on the identity we want to embody and the vision we want to create?
Instead of focusing on what needs to be done to hit a goal, I focus on what needs to be true to become the person I want to be.
For example, if I want to save $100,000 this year, instead of fixating on a rigid list of actions like "cut back on spending" or "increase my income," I would ask myself: What needs to be true for me to achieve this and sustain it?
Maybe I need to understand how money works on a deeper level—learning about investments, budgeting, and how to make my money work for me. I need to become conscious of my spending habits, not just cutting back but truly understanding where my money is going and why.
Most importantly, I need to shift my mindset from one of scarcity to one of abundance. Where I see money not as something hard to come by but as a tool for growth and opportunity.
It’s not just about hitting the goal; it’s about transforming into the kind of person who consistently saves and grows their wealth. A one-time saver might reach the number and lose it because they haven’t expanded their "container"—their capacity to hold and manage money.
If our container is small—filled with a lack mindset, poor habits, or financial uncertainty—we’ll struggle to maintain what we’ve achieved.
By focusing on becoming someone who is financially savvy, disciplined, and abundant, the actions I take become aligned with that vision. Saving isn’t just a goal anymore; it’s a natural extension of who I am.
Another example could be in health. If I want to feel more energized and connected to my body, instead of focusing on a rigid goal like "lose 20 pounds," I would ask myself, What needs to be true for me to feel vibrant and healthy?
Maybe it’s true that I need to nourish my body with whole, nutrient-dense foods, and I need to move my body in a way that feels good to me. I might need to prioritize sleep and rest to feel recharged. I also need to cultivate a mindset of self-love, where I see my body as a source of strength and vitality, not something to fix or change.
By focusing on the person I want to become—someone who is healthy, energized, and connected to their body—the actions I take become an extension of that identity, rather than just a checklist to tick off.
This is because it’s not so black and white. Say your goal is to walk every day. But one day, you’re feeling completely run down, and what your body really needs is rest. A rigid goal might make you push through anyway, or make you feel guilty if you don’t.
But when you focus on becoming someone who listens to their body and prioritizes well-being, resting becomes part of the process, not a failure.
When we set rigid goals, we often create a dynamic of lack all around.
How many times have you said, “I deserve the cookie,” or “I deserve the night off”?
That word “deserve” implies that we’re earning a reward, as if we need to do something first—work hard enough or deprive ourselves—to justify it. This comes from a mindset rooted in lack, where we feel like we’re not enough until we’ve earned it.
It’s kind of like how we were taught as kids: “Eat your vegetables, then you can play,” or “Be quiet, then you can have a treat.” We were conditioned to think that we had to “earn” pleasure or relaxation, and that the reward was the thing that made us worthy.
Here is how traditional goals look:
Run 5 miles every week
Cut out sugar
Save $100,000 by the end of the year
Wake up at 5 AM every day
Post on social media every day
Read 30 books this year
Close 10 deals this year
Sounds good, right? But these kinds of goals are so rigid and outcome-focused that any slip-up feels like a reason to beat yourself up.
It’s okay to make a list like this—it’s actually a great starting point for what you want to achieve. But the key shift here is to think less about the goal itself and more about the person you need to become to naturally embody these actions.
Ask yourself first: Why do I want to do these things? What do I think will happen or how will I feel if I achieve them?
Is it about getting healthier, feeling accomplished, fitting into a certain pair of jeans, or just proving to yourself you can do it?
Do you believe you’ll feel more energized, in control, or proud of your discipline?
Is it about financial security, freedom, or saving up to buy a house?
Do you think you’ll feel more productive, successful, or like you’ve “won” the day before it even starts?
Is it because a successful person did this, so you want to do it too?
Is it about gaining recognition, increasing influence, or feeling valuable?
For example, I want to move my body more because I know when I do, I have more clarity, energy, and feel more connected to my body every day.
So, instead of focusing on the rigid goal of “work out five times this week,” I focus on the intention of feeling strong and energized in my body.
For instance you shift it to:
I want to feel strong and energized in my body.
I want to nurture my curiosity and love of learning.
I want to contribute to my community in meaningful ways.
I want to become more financially literate.
From there, I ask myself: What actions can I take today, this week, or this month that align with these desires?
Neuroscience shows that when we focus on the feeling of what we want—like strength, curiosity, or connection—we activate the parts of the brain that drive motivation and creativity. At the same time, taking small, flexible actions keeps the brain’s reward system engaged without the win-or-lose cycle of rigid goals.
Instead of asking, “What do I need to do to hit my goal?” I ask, “What needs to be true for me to live the life I want?”
Once you've created your external goal list, take a moment to reflect and list the feelings you believe these goals will bring you.
For example, achieving my business goals might make me feel valued, my health goals could make me feel more confident, and my financial goals will give me a sense of freedom.
Now, start recognizing and embodying those feelings every day. Clock them, check in with them, and realize that you already have access to those feelings within you. You don’t need external achievements or milestones to feel valuable, confident, or free—those emotions are already available to you in the present moment.
Then what I like to do is set an overarching more “out of reach” intention.
A real-life example of this for me is: "I want to help 4 billion people transform their lives." It's a huge vision, right?
But instead of obsessing over the “how” of getting there, I focus on what I can do today, this week, or this month to move closer to that vision. Whether it’s writing an email like this, creating content that resonates, or working with one client at a time—those small actions build momentum.
For me, it’s all about coming back to the intention—the why behind what I’m doing.
Take waking up at 5 AM, for example. That’s a serious commitment. But if you’re dreading it every day, then maybe it’s not the right approach for you. If you’re miserable at the gym, it’s time to find a workout that feels right for your body and your soul. It’s important to go back to why you’re taking these actions in the first place. Make it fun and enjoyable. Make it work for you and your life!
Instead of setting rigid goals, I focus on my overarching desires and the qualities I want to embody. How do I become the person who already has the things I desire?
Map out this future version of you.
What do they do every day? How do they feel? What are their relationships like? How do they show up in the world? What do they say yes and no to? How do they feel about themselves? What does a typical day look like for them?
Imagine how they handle challenges—what’s their mindset when faced with obstacles? What kind of energy do they bring to every interaction? What are their habits and routines that keep them grounded and focused? How do they prioritize their well-being and personal growth? What are the things they say yes to, and what do they confidently say no to in order to protect their time and energy?
When we shift the focus from a far-off goal to embodying the qualities of the person we want to become, the journey becomes more aligned with our true desires. It’s about taking those daily actions that connect us to the future version of ourselves—step by step.
This brings me to my next point, focusing on manifesting over traditional goal-setting. First off, whether we realize it or not, we are manifesting all the time—both good and bad. Manifestation is simply the culmination of our thoughts, beliefs, and actions.
The key is to consciously manifest things that align with who we want to become, rather than operating on autopilot and creating outcomes we don’t want.
At its core, manifesting is about becoming the person who has what we desire and acting as if we already do. It’s not about “getting” something external to fix our lives—it’s about aligning our thoughts, beliefs, and actions with the version of ourselves who naturally has that life.
So why doesn’t manifesting work the way we hope for most people?
It’s because our identity is still rooted in our old patterns and limiting beliefs. We’re trying to create a new reality while holding onto the mindset of the past.
Manifesting requires a shift in identity first.
You can’t just dream of abundance while subconsciously believing you’re unworthy of it. You need to embody the thoughts, actions, and energy of someone who already has the success, abundance, or life you desire.
Manifesting is about dreaming big and trusting the process. You don’t need to know how it’s all going to happen—you just need to believe it’s possible. And I mean truly believe, where even your subconscious is on board.
It’s like planting a seed for something amazing and trusting that it will grow, even if you can’t see all the steps yet. You wouldn’t hover over a plant every day, asking, “Are you growing yet?” would you? No, you’d just keep watering it, trusting that with time, care, and consistency, it will flourish.
On the flip side, what most people label as goals, I see as actionable steps you can take today. What we truly need are bigger, overarching dreams to guide those daily steps. This way, we stay focused on the bigger intention and don’t spiral if we miss a day or fall short on a specific action.
The key for manifesting to work, you need both. You need the why (the energetic foundation), the manifestation (the belief in possibility), and the goal (the action, the steps). Manifestation creates the vision, but goals serve as the bridge that connects you to that vision.
The other key with manifestation is to avoid putting it on a pedestal—thinking that this one thing will solve your problems, make you feel whole, or suddenly transform your life. When we elevate our desires to that level, we’re actually reinforcing the belief that we’re incomplete or lacking without it.
The key is to bring the want down to zero. If you already had it, you wouldn’t “want” it or “need” it—it would simply be part of your reality, something you naturally embody.
Without energetic alignment, internal beliefs, and a bigger vision, goals can feel hollow—just another task on a never-ending to-do list. On the other hand, without action, manifestation remains nothing more than a dream, disconnected from reality. But when you align your energy and beliefs with purposeful action, you create a powerful momentum that drives you forward and brings your vision to life.
Manifest the vision, but act on what’s in front of you.
So, what’s one thing you’ve been dreaming about? And what’s one small, aligned step you can take today to bring it closer?
The harsh truth is we all want instant gratification without the work. That’s why big goals without the right identity and alignment don’t stick. If we’re focused solely on the end result—without becoming the person who’s already living that reality—it becomes easy to feel discouraged and give up.
The work, the process, and the identity shift are just as important as the outcome. If you don’t become the person who can hold the success you’re working toward, you won’t be able to sustain it once you get there.
Instead of rushing to the finish line, focus on embodying the qualities and mindset of the person who already lives that dream.
Ask yourself: How would they think, act, and show up every day?
Start small. Take consistent, intentional action, and trust that the results will follow naturally. When you align who you are with what you want, you don’t just achieve success—you sustain it.
Here’s to building a life that feels as good as it looks, one aligned step at a time.
With love and gratitude,
Stephanie